


Christmas Correspondence

by RoryMercury, Trivena_Butterfly



Category: Girl Genius (Webcomic)
Genre: (by Sturmvoraus standards), Also actual comedy, Christmas Fluff, Christmas Presents, Cousins, Dark Comedy, Emphasis on "attempts", Epistolary, Everybody Lives, Gen, Holiday antics, Pre-Canon, Stealth Cameo - Freeform, Thwarted Assassination Attempts, Yes multiple attempts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-19
Updated: 2021-01-08
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:54:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28160100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoryMercury/pseuds/RoryMercury, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Trivena_Butterfly/pseuds/Trivena_Butterfly
Summary: Tarvek and Seffie write to one another over a fairly ordinary Christmas season.Well, ordinary by their family's standards. Arsenic in the humbugs isn't the half of it.Disclaimer: No weasels were harmed in the writing of this fic. Some may have been terminally embarrassed.
Relationships: Martellus "Tweedle" von Blitzengaard & Xerxsephnia "Seffie" von Blitzengaard, Xerxsephnia "Seffie" von Blitzengaard & Tarvek Sturmvoraus
Comments: 21
Kudos: 24





	1. What Happens In Vienna...

**Author's Note:**

> This _started_ with wondering how nobody thought it weird that Tarvek had survived so many assassins. It... got off track a bit.
> 
> Worth it, though.

Martellus stared at the half-frozen Smoke Knight in front of him. “What do you _mean_ he suddenly went to Vienna for Christmas shopping?!”

“That’s what I found out, your Highness!” the Smoke Knight cowered.

Martellus snarled, and dismissed his assassin. It couldn’t be helped.

~

_Dear Cousin Tarvek,_

_Thank you for the lovely snowglobe. It has been added to my collection. I will admit that your choice of gift for Martellus made me laugh at first, then I realised you were being actually helpful after Martellus’ failures in Munich. When I pointed out that you_ were _in fact, being helpful, he became suspicious of the contents of the book and actually read it instead of dropping it into the fireplace. I suppose that when it comes to my brother, the less subtlety the better._

_Still. “How to Talk to Women Without Getting Slapped”? Well, we’ll see how it goes._

_Sincerely yours,_

_Seffie_

  
  


My Darling Cousin Seffie,

Who could resist the Weinachtsmarts of Vienna? They always make such a wonderful production of it. I sent Grandma a lovely carved quartz crystal stag I found at an artisan’s stall, just in case you wanted to coordinate gifts. I also sent Grandfather some pfeffernüsse. I shall enjoy the ambiance a bit longer and perhaps catch a play or two. I’ve been invited by a Fräulein Irinia Adler. I’ve yet to decide if I will accept the invitation.

Please do check that I did in fact send the right book to Martellus. It was right next to a book titled “How to Insult An Unwanted Paramour So They Never Approach You Again.” I’m suddenly concerned some prankster decided to swap titles.

Warm Regards,

Tarvek

  
  


_Dear Cousin Tarvek,_

_I’m afraid that the book did not help Martellus at all. We were at a little Christmas get-together the last night and… Well. You know the Lady Fitzbaum, right? Martellus tried to sincerely compliment her on the dress and ended up insinuating that it would have looked better if it had stayed on the mannequin. I don’t think those wine stains will ever come out of his waistcoat._

_And a date! I hope you accepted the invitation, Cousin. You don’t get out enough. Was she lovely?_

_Eagerly awaiting an update!_

_Your Cousin,_

_Seffie_

  
  


My Dear Seffie,

...You _did_ check that the book was the correct one and the contents were in fact, supposed to be helpfully instructional, right? We do want him to eventually find a woman who won’t take a knife along with her to the marriage bed.

As for my invitation, I’ve decided that it was better to see a play with company, even that of a fair stranger. I ran into the Fräulein again as I walked the markets to try and find a present for Anevka and she joined me for lunch. No luck on the present I am afraid; I shall have to walk the shops again on the morrow. Fräulein Adler insisted on paying for the tickets, so I shall have to take her to dinner afterward in return. At the very least, she is a stimulating conversationalist, and witty. I do not often find someone who I can fence with. The play we will be watching is called _The Mystery of the Moon Jewel_ , and I have read good reviews about it.

Must dash for now,

Tarvek

  
  


_Dear Cousin,_

_I regret to inform you that the book is, indeed, the one you intended to send to Martellus. I am afraid that such aids are useless in the face of my brother’s brutally blunt personality. At least it seems like you are doing better in those stakes! This Fräulein must be a fascinating one, if you describe her thus. I wonder who she is. I have never heard of her._

_Yours,_

_Seffie_

  
  


Dearest Seffie,

I had honestly sent the book with the hope that it would keep Tweedle more usefully occupied. It would have been nice to be able to enjoy a Christmas without having to keep watch for his assassins for a week or two! I’m going to bet he thinks I have gone out of my way to sabotage him now, even though that was the opposite of my intent. Ah well. It seems that we will have to rely on his winning personality to attract a wife. God help him.

I was able to find a clockwork fair model that Anevka might find interesting; at the very least it’ll keep her hopefully occupied long enough to dismantle it. I suppose I shall be lazy and buy Father some Viennese white wine and I will definitely bring back some of that chocolate cake that is the house specialty of the hotel I am staying in.

 _The Mystery of the Moon Jewel_ is apparently based on a popular novel series. Not my usual fare, but it was indeed entertaining, because I thought it was going to be a clockwork fantasy, not a detective mystery. I shall have to see if the books are available.

I went to one of the winter balls this evening and invited Fräulein Adler to join me as a thankyou for the unexpected entertainment. I learned that she is an up-and-coming opera singer. I suppose that that makes her even with me as I never quite disclosed that I am a Prince. Nevertheless, we had a laugh about it and had an otherwise pleasant evening dancing. I do always enjoy the dances, but for a change I am enjoying the repartee as well.

I do feel rather oddly watched, however. Nothing dangerous, just the feel of eyes on my back. At any rate, I shall be returning to dreary snow-strangled Sturmhalten soon.

Sincerely,

Tarvek

  
  


_Dearest Cousin Tarvek,_

_I hope that the dances in Vienna were far more elegant than the ones I’ve been forced to endure. Martellus is being exceedingly Tweedle, and I’m having trouble keeping him out of disgrace. I’ve pointed out that clearly it doesn’t require your presence for him to make a fool of himself. I do believe he is too busy with the standard winter social activities to try to send someone after you, and Grandma will be displeased with him for making a mess in Vienna if he tries. In fact I think starting tomorrow he will flee to the Refuge of Storms and go winter hunting for a few days. I do believe he’s had enough of the taste of his own ankles and wishes to replace it with roast venison._

_At your mention of your acquaintance being an opera singer, I looked her up; I’m not surprised that you haven’t heard of her, having been very busy over the last year, but yes, she’s quite popular. She’s been romantically linked to a few people, notables all in Vienna. I thought I should warn you. I know better than to worry; you’re quite skilled in staying out of trouble, after all… or getting someone else into mischief._

_Warm regards,_

_Seffie_

  
  


Dearest Cousin Seffie,

For once, your warning comes a little late. Seat yourself as this will be quite the tale.

Fräulein Adler invited me to see one more play before I leave Vienna. I agreed since, well, why not? I enjoyed her company and there seemed to be no obligations or expectations of me, even after her learning that I was royalty. A refreshing change. I had nothing planned for the evening.

I spent the day visiting the museums and looking at the new exhibits, and discussing with a few of the curators an analysis they had me do on one of their artifacts, and I have been invited to return in the spring to do a greater in-depth study of the other discoveries that were not part of the exhibit. I hope I will be able to go; the thing I was examining seems to have been a thousand-year-old navigational clockwork computer of some sort; but it definitely is old sparkwork. They were so pleased with what I was able to tell them they actually paid me for the consultation! I shall have to write to Princess Neena about this; she will laugh, then probably rush over to check out the exhibit. I will want to be well away from Vienna by then!

The play we watched was a closed room murder mystery this time, titled _The Spy With the Clockwork Pistol_ , and I have to say, whoever they are using for effects consultations and staging is quite good. You should try to make time and make your way to Vienna for a few of these plays, as I do believe you’ll enjoy them as well.

When we were about to take a hackney carriage to the restaurant I had planned to have dinner at, a rather distraught man rushed to us and pleaded that I not take ‘her’ away from him forever in the most embarrassing penny-sparkly manner I’d _ever_ seen. Clearly I’d been used as a catspaw to make this fellow jealous. To forestall any further histrionics I brought the man up short and invited him along to dinner with us, which I think was not what he expected.

It turns out that Fräulein Adler has been discreetly involved with noted librettist Ranier Wolfram, and he’d promised her that he would take her out to watch the new plays of the season. However, he’d forgotten while penning up new operas for the next season. So, taking a page out of a comedy, I suppose, Fräulein Adler decided that she would ask the next reasonably handsome and interesting man she found at the Weinachtsmart to accompany her: yours truly.

For his part, Herr Wolfram started to panic when I, in my total ignorance of their circumstances, invited her to join me in perfectly innocent and friendly meals at restaurants, and that winter ball, to which he also discreetly followed us. His alarm apparently reached a crescendo when he found out I was a Prince.

Fortunately for him, I have no intention of deepening the acquaintance, and I made clear that I had only invited her along as she seemed quite the witty companion and we always parted ways outside the restaurant as befits such a casual acquaintance. Nevertheless, Herr Wolfram made a point of proposing to her at the restaurant, so all’s well that ends well.

As for me, I got to see a couple of interesting plays and a full-fledged drama reach its conclusion. I just hope a pastiche of myself doesn’t end up being written up as the villain in one of Herr Wolfram’s future works.

Hopefully he will not forget his promises to his beloved Lady in favor of work the next time.

At least the trip to Vienna was not boring, I suppose. At any rate, I depart tomorrow via Corbettite train and return to freezing Sturmhalten, and this letter will likely reach you by the time I’ve disembarked.

Wryly amused,

Tarvek

  
  


_Dearest Cousin Tarvek,_

_I am richly entertained by your romantic misadventure. Only you could find yourself embroiled in such a thing while never intending more than being pleasant gentlemanly company for a few days. I must share the story with Grandma; she will sigh and be amused._

_At any rate, my early Christmas present to you is to have my Smoke Knights get in the way of Martellus’ for a week. Enjoy!_

_Warm regards and laughter,_

_Your Cousin Seffie_


	2. Does It Come In Any Other Colours?

Dear Seffie,

Merry Christmas! And I greatly appreciate your present; it allowed me to sleep past eight in the morning for a solid week! Unfortunately for me, Cousin Leopold has been attempting to poison me through my breakfast. It’s slightly less in-your-face than Martellus’ approach, but still. Ceylon tea is not meant to turn that awful shade of septic green when you add milk to it.

Anevka found it hilarious, so I suppose that’s a plus.

Stay warm,

Tarvek

  
  


_Dear Cousin Tarvek,_

_Fortunately for all of us, dear Cousin Leo has never been good about hiring clever people. What in the world was used to do that to your tea, I wonder?_

_Speaking of Anevka, how did she like the small bomb I had Varpa deliver to her?_

_I have hot chocolate so I am definitely staying warm!_

_-Seffie_

  
  


Darling Cousin Seffie,

Anevka loved the bomb. She hung it off the Christmas tree and said she’ll set it off come New Year’s Eve. I think out of all our presents yours is her favorite.

Whatever the hell Leopold’s assassin did, my _whole_ breakfast turned a rather nauseating shade of pink. I’m somewhat impressed since it was egg salad. I’m rather annoyed because I was looking forward to that. What a waste of fresh eggs!

Grumpily your Cousin,

Tarvek

(note slipped in with a hastily but still elegantly-written script:)

How in the name of the seraphim does one manage to turn coffee _sky blue?_ I think I will have to capture this incompetent just to study his or her poison kit.

-Tarvek

  
  


_To my Darling Cousin Tarvek,_

_Oh dear. I do believe you may have found whoever's been meddling with the experimental poisons laboratory. Please do let me know your findings, it will be ever so helpful in cleaning what's left of the labware. Grandma has been very upset since we lost a number of projects in development, and the latest antidotes. Fortunately, the notes for their concoction were stored somewhere else._

_For a change, Martellus is_ not _to blame for that, nor are his dogs. It’s rather refreshing._

_Awaiting your response,_

_Seffie_

  
  


Dear Seffie,

Just a quick note today: the poisons ended up in Father’s breakfast this morning. He was not pleased. I was able to sneak away the poisons and discovered that she was keeping them in color-coded silk pouches, and the dye leached into the powders. I’m afraid that doesn’t help you with the experimental poisons lab though.

I can’t help but be a little disappointed. I was hoping for a more amusing discovery. However, I think I will try to source where this minion got her dyes. I have a few things I might find such dye useful for.

-Tarvek

  
  


_Dear Cousin Tarvek,_

_A pity. The lab is currently unusable and we've already lost one servant trying to mop the floor. The poor thing ended up looking like a Jägermonster after she tripped and fell into the mess. Multi-colored, from head to toe. Apparently a number of baths have failed to remove the colors from her skin and hair. She was given a generous severance pay packet, and apparently she may join a Heterodyne Circus._

_Yours,_

_Seffie_

  
  


Dear Cousin Seffie,

Grandma must be very unhappy about that. I’ve sent along a formula that I use for making a liquid soap that gets all the stains out of my lab coats. Hopefully it is useful.

The powder dyes I’ve sourced have been carefully applied to my latest experiment. For fun, hold this letter under a lamp, and see the result!

Oh, and if any of it comes off onto your fingertips, the soap formula I sent works on skin as well. It really is quite mild.

I have to perform some tweaks to the heating system today, so I’m afraid this is a short note only.

Rather busy as always,

Tarvek

(Holding the letter up to the lamplight reveals a rather amusing doodle of Tarvek rolling his eyes next to ‘Rather busy as always.’)

  
  


_Dear Cousin Tarvek_

_I think she's more intrigued than anything, but for now the lab is simply out of bounds; it's being sealed even as I write. That said, the laundry is utterly delighted with your formula and is sending you a large fruitcake._

_While it is amusing to have come up with an ink that shows up purple under lamplight, it’s not new. Still, I suppose you’ll have other applications for the thing, knowing you. Send me a bottle, will you?_

_Regards,_

_Seffie_

  
  


Dear Cousin Seffie,

Well! I am glad I’ve successfully made somebody happy this holiday season! Please make sure it doesn’t end up poisoned? The fruitcake we had did and it was a rather unappealing shade of mauve and smelled horribly of dandelions. I rather like the fruitcakes from your area too. I shall squirrel away this treat to enjoy.

Well pleased,

Tarvek

  
  


_Dear Cousin Tarvek,_

_I hope I don't need to remind you that the servants' food is off-limits; that said, you should check carefully to assure yourself that the packaging is still properly sealed on arrival. I’ve included a tin of drinking chocolate for you to have as well. Your soap formula saved a pair of my favourite white kid gloves. It would have required a trip back to Paris to try to obtain a new pair, and I simply didn’t have the time with tonight’s soiree._

_Also well pleased,_

_Seffie_


	3. A Peck Of Provender

Happy New Year, Seffie! 

Anevka was _delighted_ with the bomb you sent. Was it supposed to play Carillon of the Bells at that volume before exploding? My ears are _still_ ringing. Father says the repairs to the lightning moat should be trivial, but of course he dumped the work on me.

The fruitcake arrived here unscathed, and I am quite ashamed to say I ate a bit more of it on the first go than I should have. It was extra-packed with candied lemon peel and soaked in cherry liqueur! I am _quite_ spoilt. It may not last past January. I don’t think I’ve ever seen this particular fruitcake in any of the shops there.

I think I’ll wait until tomorrow to start work on the lightning moat. Nothing is going to move me from this couch until I’ve finished a mug of your hot chocolate, a slice of that wonderful fruitcake, and this copy of _Practical Applications of Sparkwork Digest_.

Quite warm and snuggled in,

Tarvek

  
  


_Happy New Year, Tarvek!_

_I do believe the bomb was simply supposed to go ‘boom’, but if she liked it that much what am I supposed to say? It’s lovely how Anevka is happy to share her toys with her family, don’t you think? As always, our elders drop a lot of the makework on us; possibly with the claim that we are much more flexible in our youth than they are in their declining years. Hopefully nobody tries to do more damage._

_The fruitcake does not sound like any of the traditional preparations of our area that I am familiar with. It sounds absolutely delicious, and I wish I could sample it. I think they may have actually baked it especially for you._

_Also warmly snuggled in,_

_Seffie_

  
  


Dear Cousin Seffie,

Everyone seems to have sent me sweets this Christmas! Martellus sent me a pretty jar of humbugs, but he really should get better with the arsenic he uses as dye. It was just a touch _too_ green to be mistaken for mint. Anevka got me a box of prettily-shaped but too-bitter marzipan, and the marshmallow doves that Leopold sent immediately burst into flames when I opened the box. The gingerbread cottage I got from Grandma was very pretty, and also the only thing I could actually _eat_. I’m glad though, because Grandma’s gingerbread is always so tasty! Just the right amount of spices. I still have not been able to properly analyse it enough to get the right proportions. I always end up with too much cardamom when I try to replicate it.

Besides yourself, Father was the only one who gave me something that wasn’t an edible (Does poisoned food count as edible still?) He got me a lovely leatherbound unabridged collection of Shakespeare. I do feel the urge to recite Hamlet’s Soliloquy, but I’d have to find a skull to do it properly.

The repairs for the lightning moat have been finished, though I have to say, I didn’t need the additional complication of a Sturmhalten blizzard. I could barely see in front of my own nose. I think I shall hibernate for a week, or try to.

Blue with cold,

Tarvek

  
  


_Dear Cousin Tarvek,_

_Having you put on a performance of Hamlet sounds like a lovely idea! Perhaps as a Spring entertainment? You would look so brooding in black._

_I think Grandma threatened everyone when she made the gingerbread, to make sure it wasn’t tampered with. And even Cousin Leopold isn’t going to be foolish enough to go up against Grandma. She’d have him pickled._

_Waiting for an answer,_

_Seffie_

  
  


Dearest Cousin Seffie,

I do regret to inform you that I will decidedly not be putting on a performance of _Hamlet_. Anevka discovered that I might be planning something along the line when she overheard me asking Father if he happened to have an intact skull of normalised proportions (to which I was told no) and found the Shakespeare volume in my drawing room. She has been ambushing me at every opportunity to give me dramatic readings of lines from various plays, such as _Timon of Athens._ I was impressed given the presence of her catafalque and her catafalque bearers.

Then when I crankily informed her that I was reading _Hamlet,_ she laughed so much that I had to repair some strained hydraulics in the clank body. She’s still laughing so I will need to repair her again later. As you can see, this occupies my time now. Sadly, my thespian ambition was strangled in the womb of maybes. I think I shall confine myself to reading the sonnets going forward. 

Quite put out,

Tarvek

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaronev would likely find Tarvek performing Hamlet to be terribly flattering. After all, it's the tale of a prince driving himself into insanity trying to avenge his murdered father.
> 
> It's probably just as well that Tarvek's given up on the idea.


	4. The Least Little Thing

Dear Cousin Seffie,

For some reason, Zulenna sent me a box of weasels as a gift. A half-dozen least weasels, each of them with a bow around their little throats and a name tag. She also sent me a lovely cravat, with traditional Holfüng-Borzoi embroidery bordering the handmade lace. It _almost_ makes up for our new mustelid infestation. I cannot _imagine_ what she was thinking.

And yes, they were nicely caged, but then escaped from my lab when a servant tried to feed them.

Much put upon,

Tarvek

  
  


_Dear Cousin Tarvek,_

_Weasels you say? Are you quite sure the box was from Zulenna, and not Violetta? It really sounds more like something she might do. I know you're rather in disgrace with her at the moment, and she has quite a vicious streak._

_So, what was on their name tags?_

_Curious,_

_Seffie_

  
  


Dear Cousin Seffie,

If I was to think a bit more charitably, I would say that Zulenna took a sarcastic recommendation from Violetta all too seriously. Our Northern Cousin has very little in the way of a sense of humor, I’m afraid. Of _course_ she would have asked Violetta for a recommendation or idea!

However, I am in quite a state of disgrace right now in the castle. The weasels are _trained_ to thieve! I keep finding in my laboratory, usually placed in a prominent display:

Father’s glasses (fortunately he has several pairs);  
Anevka’s scalpels;  
Hairpins;  
Pocketwatches - they look like the ones we give to the footmen as part of their uniform;  
A veritable treasure trove of Sturmvoraus sigil pins, including four from my own room;  
Fountain pens, ranging from brass to gold - I will have to return Father’s;  
Keys, detached from their rings - this, I think, is the most certain evidence that they’re trained;  
Rings, and earrings;  
The contents of what seems to be one of Anevka’s jewelry boxes, but one she hasn’t used in a long time so I don’t think she’s noticed;  
And, to my everlasting dismay and puzzlement, a widely assorted sundry of pantalettes, from linen to silk. Some of them seem to be used by the weasels as bedding.

It will take me a while to identify what belongs to whom, but I think for the items that I believe to be the property of our household staff, I will have to defer to our Seneschal’s expertise.

Greatly chagrined,

Tarvek

PS: I couldn’t catch any of the weasels, but one of them held still long enough that I was able to make out ‘Wagner’ on the nametag.

  
  


_Tarvek-_

_You may be interested to hear that one of the traveling Heterodyne shows has lost its most peculiar novelty act. "Harold and his Performing Weasels" was arrested recently as a thief, and for sundry other offences. Local authorities have made no comment on the disposition of his animals._

_Your helpful Cousin,_

_Seffie_

  
  


(Written in pencil on laboratory foolscap, with thick cobwebs clinging to the back of the page:)

Dear Seffie,

Well. That explains ever so much.

So very, very much.

I am currently hiding from the female household staff. Half of them seem to want to hit me with something - even though they dare not - and the other half seem to think I am interested in a romantic entanglement. I haven’t the faintest idea of what I did wrong, on both counts. And at this moment, I am not sure that wanting to hit me with a broom is the worse option. I haven’t been able to return to my bedroom in three nights without finding some _mademoiselle en dishabille_ sprawled coquettishly on my bed. Were I the average lecherous royal, this would have been entertaining, but instead I am quite sleep-deprived. One simply does not get _that_ involved with the household staff, I should think!

I was trying to be helpful and discreetly return people’s possessions, especially the ones of intimate nature, out of respect for the owner’s privacy. I’m fairly certain I said nothing untoward to warrant such reactions!

If I can manage to sneak into my room and get enough clothes and other necessities to escape, might I find refuge with you for a few days? Yes, I’m allowing myself within strangling reach of your brother. At least that way I might get _some_ sleep.

Your desperate Cousin,

Tarvek

  
  


_My dear idiot cousin,_

_Please, you simply_ must _visit so I can explain to you in person exactly how much of a dunderheaded nitwit you are, with suitable accompaniment. Even_ Martellus _could tell you exactly where you went wrong. In fact, I think he would leave you alone out of sheer pity._

_Exasperated,_

_Seffie_

~

Martellus stared at the shivering, half-frozen wreck in front of him. “Tarvek! Whatever possessed you to come all this way by yourself in the snow?”

“Did Seffie not read you my letter? I would have thought that was one of the few bits of gossip you might possibly care about!” his cousin managed to snipe through chattering teeth.

Martellus laughed out loud; though he hadn’t believed them for a moment, the last few letters his sister had received had been the funniest thing he’d heard all year. He couldn’t help it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From Orion_Hunter -  
> Tarvek: "You haven't tried to have me poisoned, assassinated, or killed in an unlikely accident for almost two days now. Frankly, this is actually making me _more_ suspicious."  
> Martellus: "But if you were to die _now_ , I wouldn't be able to laugh at you nearly so much. It would be extremely unbecoming for me to snicker through your entire funeral."

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [A Collection of Christmas Chaos](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29621010) by [Orion_Hunter](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Orion_Hunter/pseuds/Orion_Hunter)




End file.
